New Awakenings…

I keep trying to make this post, and… not being able to do it. I don’t post about my personal kin experiences here much, but maybe I should more. I don’t know.

Everybody here knows I’m Ken Ichijouji. The Digimon Kaiser. I’ve known that since 2005/6. Felt it for a lot longer. since I was a kid. But… there’s other things I’ve felt too.

People close to me know that for a few years now I’ve been questioning  another incarnation/life. Another ‘kintype’ (i hate that word as applied to fictionkin).

I tried for a very long time to deny this aspect of my identity. To deny that this life was a part of my history. I laugh about it, make jokes about it.But above all things refuse to acknowledge and accept it.

But the truth doesn’t let itself be shut out forever. The truth is I knew bone deep when I saw her the first time that I was looking at a piece of my history. At a face I some time long ago saw in the mirror. The truth is some part of me knew long before I ever saw her. Long before her ‘creator’ had ever dreamed up her ‘character’. Her spirit dwelled in this body. The same spirit that would become Ken. The same spirit that would become me.

The last few months, the feelings have just gotten more and more intense. Harder to shake. Harder to pry myself apart from. Intrusive thoughts. Perseveration. As the ‘canon’ marched on sick feelings of both familiarity and wrongness ramped up.

A week or so ago was the final straw. An event in the source material that literally left me sick, and lost, and unable to function right for the whole day. For longer than that really.

I blocked the website.

I can’t deny it any more. I’ve been wrestling with how to accept it. How to let it in. Now that I’ve acknowledged it, its like opening the floodgates. I see her in everything in me. It was obvious all along. My friends are unsurprised. They saw it before i did. No surprise there. They looked at her and they saw me.

Vriska Serket.

Fuck.

Maybe I’ll talk about this more later. But for now just….

Fuck.